Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
