I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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