You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
