I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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