hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
