Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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