If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
