I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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