I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize