He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
