I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
being pregnant is like rehab
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
