Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
The air was thick with penises
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
