Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
