Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize