ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
