jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
