Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
