Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
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