Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
