i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
