I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
