You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
