Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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