Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Randomize
