So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Randomize
