oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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