This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
