I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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