dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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