I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
