Betty ford says i'm here all night
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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