At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
