I think I won the penis lottery.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
