paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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