I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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