I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
