I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
how drunk are you?
Several
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
