you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
