I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
