You're my little dorito
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
