remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
