I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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