p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
