I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
she looked like the before picture.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
