Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
