You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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