Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
