Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
