Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
