yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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