Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
