im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
