Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
