I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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