What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
