Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I am one with the molecules
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize