I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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