I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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