Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
